I can tuck mytits in my pants
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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