all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
