Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
