I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
