Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
