It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
