the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
