I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
