i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
