i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
