new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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