i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
