my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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