I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
