I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
