So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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