i barfeds in our rink
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
