Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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