i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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