i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
