when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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