so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
