sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
