a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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