I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
