Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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