So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
