oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
