I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
