If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wish there were birth control emojis
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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