i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
