is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
