I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
