my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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