I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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