I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
