just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
