oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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