Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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