i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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