we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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