You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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