I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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