My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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