So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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