There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
