The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
