im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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