i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
4 words: hood of his car
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
