That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
