Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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