He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
