FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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