I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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