I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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