he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
